Managing Emotional distress

Ever since October 2017, I’ve been experiencing attacks of what I can only call extreme emotional distress. I don’t want to get into the details of what happened back then, but basically, a particular “event” seems to have somehow released all the emotional pain that I’d been repressing for about twenty-five years.

This has made my life really difficult. I feel like I can be ambushed at any moment and plunged into a pit of grief, despair and rage. Once I’m in there, it’s very hard to climb out again.

After a few weeks of feeling okay, I had another attack yesterday. I felt awful all day, aching chest and head, depressed, constant intrusive, negative thoughts, and it ended with a full on screaming/crying meltdown in the kitchen.

I’ll give myself yesterday, but I really need to get on top of this. The first thing I think I have to do is accept that these feelings aren’t just going to stop or go away, which is what I’ve been hoping. The gaps between attacks do seem to have got longer, but I think that’s more down to me getting better at avoiding the things that trigger the feelings, then any actual healing. When the feelings do come, they are as a strong and overwhelming as ever.

I know could get more proactive about managing my emotional state on a day-to-day basis, but here are some things that I think I could put into place for those times when I do feel myself being dragged into the “pit of despair”.

  • Create a safe place to be sad

Make a designated place in our living environment where I can go when I’m feeling really bad, where it’s okay to scream and cry into a pillow if I need to, or to just lie there and stare at the walls. It needs to be quiet and comfortable and stocked with soft toys (the distress seems to be coming from a very “young” part of me and cuddling soft toys is actually one of the few things that’s guaranteed to help).

  • Put together some tear-jerking “resources”

One of the problems is that, as someone who spent years disconnected from their emotions, I now find it very difficult to cry. This means that I end up with a horrible build-up of bad feelings that I can’t release until it comes to a crisis and I have a total meltdown. But, there are some things that always get the waterworks going (the death of the Mars Rover anyone?) and it might be good idea to access them as soon as I feel the pressure starting to build.

  • Allocate a notebook just for ranting

I’m someone who processes experience through writing (like I’m doing right now). It helps to get things out of my head and onto a page, but I don’t want to fill my nice journal with lots of awful, negative thoughts that make me feel ashamed when I read over them later. So, I could have a notebook as a dumping ground just for this stuff. I can rip out the pages or burn it when I’m done.

  • Log out of Social Media

If I’m honest with myself, the majority of these attacks have been triggered by stuff I’ve seen on twitter or Facebook. I don’t want to give up social media because I do still get a lot out of it and I love interacting with people, but I also need to accept and get better at managing the more harmful aspects, especially when I’m already feeling fragile.

  • Get better at aftercare

So far, my approach has been “Phew, glad that’s over, let’s get on with life”, because I’ve learned to deal with my mental health issues by POWERING THROUGH! I think I probably need to have an aftercare regime, which involves things like being really gentle with myself for a few days, restricting social media access, and doing comforting things.

So, those are some ideas for responding to attacks of emotional distress. Thoughts and suggestions are very welcome.

Grieving and Re-grieving

I’m trying to deal with a lot of unprocessed grief at the moment and wanted to share a couple of things that I’ve found helpful.

This little video, Why grief is not something you have to get over offers a perspective that really makes sense to me. The counsellor in the video talks about how the therapeutic model for working with grief is shifting, from seeing grief as something that gets less over time, to something that’s always there, but that other aspects of your life can grow around. So, while the grief doesn’t go away, it isn’t so all-consuming. But you can dip back into it at certain times, which brings me to the next point.

@hallygrace posted a long thread on twitter about the concept of re-grieving. Hallygrace makes the point that grief can be a life-long emotional process and you are likely to experience it again and again, especially at significant moments (anniversaries, life milestones etc). Here’s the tough bit, you have to re-process it every time. It’ not a good idea to repress the feelings or shame yourself for having them.

Jane Hirshfield, ‘One Sand Grain Among the Others in Winter Wind’

I wake with my hand held over the place of grief in my body.
“Depend on nothing,” the voice advises, but even that is useless.
My ears are useless, my familiar and intimate tongue.
My protecting hand is useless, that wants to hold the single leaf to the tree
and say, Not this one, this one will be saved.
 
Jane Hirshfield
from After

Marge Piercy, ‘Some Things Return in Spring’

The brave spears of the garlic
rustle in the damp hair of the wind
off the marsh brushing them:
a sound you will never again hear.

The maple is waving little russet
hands. Long brown scaled buds
line the beech twigs. Spring
explodes into hundreds of daffodils

on the hillside that was yours.
Tulips strut their brilliance bowing
to the sun where you will no
longer pass. My tears are

brief years after you died. Still
my thoughts are bouquets like
the red tulips I can never lay
on your invisible grave.

Marge Piercy

Lifted from  the greatpoets lj community

On Not Managing Grief

The second Christmas since my father died and I feel like all my attempts to manage the situation have come to nothing.  I find myself plunged into grief again.  I realise now that my mistake lay in imagining that I could “manage” the situation in such a way as to avoid experiencing painful emotions because, let’s face it, that’s what I really wanted to achieve, even if I didn’t admit it to myself at the time.

Content note: death, bereavement, grief 

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