I feel bad about writing this post because, honestly, we are in a much better position than so many other people right now. We both have steady jobs, which we can do from home, and our employers are doing their best to be supportive. We have a pleasant flat to stay in and live in a quiet area where we can go out for some walks without getting close to other people. And we don’t have to try and cope with homeschooling anxious, upset children at the same time as trying to do our jobs. My mother is a worry, at eighty years old, but she’s being sensible and staying inside, and she doesn’t have any underlying health conditions. Overall, we are very, very lucky. I’m aware that it could be so much worse.
But the situation still SUCKS and we have to let ourselves feel our feelings. There’s no point in trying to repress the disappointment, fear, resentment, anger etc. So, I’m going to allow myself one feelings dump, after which I’ll do my best to be as positive and constructive as possible.
After a couple of weeks of stress and anxiety, during which most of my energy has been taken up by urgent tasks – cancelling everything, sorting out working from home, supporting colleagues and preparing my mother for self-isolation – reality has only started to hit me this weekend. I’ve been feeling depressed, tearful and very resentful. Our routines are massively disrupted and we’ve had to cancel everything we were looking forward to over the next couple of months. Like everyone else, I’m worried about when, and if, things will get back to normal.
But for me, personally, the worst thing is feeling that my hopes for a peaceful year are now scuppered. I know this is self-indulgent and not important in the big scheme of things, but I had finally got myself to a place from which I thought I could start healing from the emotional battering I’ve taken over the last few years.
I’ve been so sad and tormented by a thing I can’t even speak about publicly because it’s something that almost no one would understand or sympathise with and I just can’t bear to add to the pain by inviting scorn and derision. It’s my problem and I have to learn to deal with it somehow, but this does make it feel like I have a horrible festering wound.
From January this year, though, the ‘thing’ that had been triggering all this emotional angst will be less present in my life and I was really hoping that I might get some mental peace, the chance to rebuild a bit of emotional resilance, perhaps even to start exploring the possiblity of healing.
I don’t think I’m going to get much mental peace and I have to face this new crisis from a place where I’m still feeling emotionally pretty raw and my internal resources are depleted. I’m grieving stuff and trying to deal with trauma issues and now I have to deal with COVID-19 as well. Blah!
So, that’s my self-indulgent FEELINGS dump. Now I’ll try and practice acceptance and think about what I can do from this point forward.